That's because I've never written about what actually happened. And I'm not sure why because if we could meet for coffee I would tell you everything. I would tell you that it wasn't an accident or an illness, but a choice. A selfish decision that wrought untold devastation upon our family. A hasty act that left me a widow and his children fatherless.
He took his own life. And when he did, it changed ours forever. I couldn't have known how hard it would be to forgive something so huge. Hurting me is one thing, but hurting my children? The agony of that reaches depths I never imagined.
I couldn't have understood how it feels having a wound that never really heals. A wound where you never know who or what is going to knock the scab off and then you have the mess to deal with all over again. A thousand times over, again.
I couldn't have realized how utterly beyond my control this life really is. How people you love and need and depend on can leave you in cruel ways, just like that and it's over and there's no hope of closure.
Yet the Lord says I must forgive, and I know it's more for my good than for the good of a person who'll never know this side of Heaven. Unforgiveness is an awfully heavy burden to carry.
So I ponder how my children have suffered, and then I remember how I hurt His Child but how He forgives me for it. I think about this wound that wears no band-aid and how it keeps me running to the Great Physician whose healing love does miracles. I reflect on how the pain of it all has taught me to relinquish control to the only One who knows what He's doing.
And one thing He's doing now is teaching me to be more like Him. So I will follow my Healer's example and forgive. Not only for one selfish act on one day, but for all future hurts, holes, sorrows, anger, bad memories, everything yet to happen as a result. I forgive him for it all, in the name of Jesus.
{I feel lighter already.}
"...Forgive, and you will be forgiven .... A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:37-38
19 comments:
Amy, I have been following along for the 31 days series, appreciating your authenticity and a faith that reflects a life lived deep and one that fights to be honest. I have almost commented a couple of times, though I read blogs, I am not a commenter . . . today I read your post and my heart sank. I wanted to say that I am sorry and so much more about how the journey you have had to find-a=way to walk is such a challenging one. And I wanted to say thank you for writing, thank you for choosing to put words to hard places. Praying with you and for you.
I know I should be able to forgive and never have to dwell upon what I am forgiving again but I find that sometimes I have to remember I forgave and to forgive again - sometimes many times in one day! Thank God I live in His grace!
Wow! I had no idea. Even in the facebook world where I knew you had suffered a major loss, noone talked about it. I was honestly shocked. I want to say that I am so proud of you and you should be proud of yourself for how you have been growing and overcoming such a tragedy. Your children have you, and they are so blessed that God gave them the best mommy. I cannot imagine what it is like. I am so glad you decided to share your story! Hold your head high girlfriend!!! God is so proud of you!
As the reader who sent you that email....I want you to know how proud I am of you that you finally put it out there. You are a strong, remarkable woman, whatever your shortcomings, and your children are lucky to have you.
I cannot imagine the anger you must feel sometimes, especially about what this did to your children. I don't think that God expects us to not HAVE feelings, it's how we ACT on them that matters and I know that in your heart, you are trying to do what's right.
I'm going through some serious struggles as well right now, and am trying to believe and have faith that God has a plan and I'm going to let him be in control.....
Your series is helping me do that.
Thank you for this post. I am sure that this might have been the hardest post to write, and even more, to share with others. Amy, you and I have shared some emails, not in depth but the reality of this kind of thing (re: my post on “Cry of the Broken”). I don’t even presume to know the depth of your anguish. But I do know the greatest news of forgiveness is that when we cannot forgive (because of hurt, pain, anger, etc.) Jesus forgives in our place. That is the most wondrous release. It doesn’t take away the pain, but we can come to grips with just how amazing and deep is Jesus’ love and forgiveness for us... all for us. Not just forgive us our sinsand inability to forgive, but forgiving in our place and for us. May that sustain you every moment... the precious gift of salvation is far bigger than we even imagine. What a wondrous, loving, faithful God he is.
Blessings in Christ,
Proud of you, Amy. Love you.
Amen, and thank God He forgives in our place because sometimes it's just more than is humanly possible. Thank you, Rich.
Sarah, so good to hear from you. Thank you for stopping by. Love you.
Thank you so much, Liza. I'm so glad you decided to leave me a comment. I appreciate your prayers and your encouragement.
I know exactly what you're talking about. It's sometimes daily, hourly, even minute by minute for me.
Thank you so much for your encouragement, Brandy! Amazing how we're both from the same small town, yet you didn't know. Go figure. But thank you, truly.
You've spoken truth here. He knows we will have the feelings. He made us and remembers that we are dust. It's all in how we act on them, hence the battle. And its a battle that forces me to cling to His grace, every single day. Thank you for your encouraging words, and know that I'm praying for you, too.
Amy, as I sit here catching up on my favorite bogs with my warm cup of coffee, the tears are flowing freely. I am so sorry for the loss and pain you've endured, but so very proud of you that you had the courage to write those words. May God continue to strength you and bless you and your family as you walk this journey. Ugh, my friend, I cannot even imagine.
Thank you, friend.
I'm catching up on my blog reading, and my heart sank when I saw this. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been for you and your children, and how hard it probably still is at times. I knew that you had suffered a loss, and I am so thankful for what I see God doing in your life just on this blog. Blessings to you!
Hello Amy and God's blessings to you. I found your blog via Rich Shields and wanted you to know I'm praying for you. What a burden to carry... and what a beautiful example you are of God's sustaining grace. May He continue to use your talents to bless and comfort others.
Thank you so much for that encouragement, Amy.
Amy, thank you for praying for me! And thank you for the encouraging words. Blessings.
Thank You God! for Amy Dane Money and the calling YOU have on her life. And her family's. I received
seeds of love from your great-grandmother, your grandmother, and your mother, so when i was at
a terrible crossroad in my life, naked in the shower one day, in a moment of desperation, i reached for LOVE to replace the hate that i was feeling. God, by way of the Holy Spirit, filled me with such
incredible love that i stepped out of that shower a different person. I am so sorry for what Lance did, i do not have enough words or tears to express my grief, but i can say: Thank You! for sharing your
Journey of pain and forgiveness. My scabs, too, have been knocked off "again", but each time i know
that i Know i made the right decision. Sucide is not the answer. Jesus is!!John 14:6!! (satan tells lies)
I am so sorry Amy, and to my husband and family, that i allowed myself to get to that awful place.
Thank God For Grace!! and Second (and third, etc.) Chances!! Thank You So Much for Everything God Bless
Post a Comment