Waiting

Isaiah 30:18 Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; and therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him.

I do not like to wait. Woven throughout my earliest memories are my mother's repetitive pleas, "Amy, be patient!". I really have always hated situations that require my patience. This is because I'm selfish, and I want what I want, when I want it. Whether it involves waiting for my Internet browser page to load or assurance that I'm going to have a job next year, I've noticed that the more focused I am on self rather than the things of God, the less willing I am to wait.

But sometimes something really big happens. I simply do not have time to wait patiently for a move of God--and this time I really mean it! I cry out to Him, but His silence confounds me. I claim Isaiah 40:33 and beg for that renewed strength He promises we can have. But a new surge of strength is the last thing I feel during these times of turmoil, and peace is just as elusive. I pray as deeply as I know how, literally on my face before God--carpet wet and all--but still it seems He doesn't hear me. My circumstances loom large before me, overwhelming me and oppressing me. It's so easy to believe the enemy's lies during times like these that God has forgotten me, that He's forsaken me after all. It surely seems that way when I beg Him to do something and yet I see nothing happening. Exasperated, I cry out yet again and hurl my unanswered questions toward heaven...

  ...Why won't my house sell, Lord? I can't make these payments! Won't you please hurry up?

  ...Why does my dad have cancer? Haven't I lost enough already? Haven't my kids lost enough? How much am I supposed to take? When will you heal him?!

  ...Why is my friend pulling away? Didn't You create us all to need each other and to function together in unity as the body of Christ? Who am I supposed to talk to if You won't repair this  friendship?

  ...I'm in trouble, Lord, but You know the truth. You know what really happened! I'm terrified! Why won't you make the truth known to others and set me free?

  ...Dear God, I'm weary and broken, and I simply cannot take another step without Your help.

And in my season of waiting, He has brought me to a point where I can finally hear Him. He draws me near and speaks into my spirit and reminds me how much He loves me and that He's in control. He teaches me that His timing is more perfect than my timing, that He is sovereign and I am not. He has heard my every plea, He has held me as I've cried, He has loved me despite my repeated refusal to trust in Him. He helps me understand that He has been working things out for my good all along, even when I couldn't feel Him there. The end of a trial often brings incredible clarity and sheds light on the reasons why, and He honors me with a teeny little glimpse into His perfectly orchestrated plan. I can rest assured that He knows exactly what He is doing. And as I cling to this truth in the midst of trials and tragedy, His incredible peace engulfs me and I come to experience that renewed strength He promises us.

And then when God decides it's time to move, He usually does it so fast it makes my head spin. I've experienced this countless times. And you know what else? Without exception, I see in the end that He was making me wait so that He could be gracious to me. If things had happened in my timing, I would have missed blessing...and though I don't know how He does it, I find myself thanking Him that He didn't do things my way.

A long time ago my dad knew an elderly woman who used to say we should never pray for patience because if we do, the Lord will place circumstances in our lives to test us and teach us about that patience we prayed for. I don't know if this is true, but I do know that patience is a fruit of the Spirit, and it is a worthy thing to strive for. Father God, thank You for Your patience with me. Help me to trust as You accomplish Your purpose in me. Please forgive me for my unbelief, and thank You that You are a just and merciful God Whose perfect patience covers me in every area where I fall short.

The Love of my life

Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. 5 For your Maker is your husband, The Lord of Hosts is His name; and your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth. Isaiah 54:4

I've had two failed marriages, and I'm not proud of it. The first one ended in a painful divorce after eight years. The second lasted just shy of ten years and ended in tragic loss of life. God's word says that a husband and wife are one flesh, so no matter whether a marriage is good or bad, losing a spouse feels like being ripped in half. Few things are more devastating. Each time I married, he was the love of my life. Each time my love left me, I felt like my broken heart would never mend.

What I am growing to understand, and what has brought incredible healing to my heart, is that God is more than able to fill the void left by an absent mate. And I need to let Him. I can't make a person my center--not even a husband. Nor do I want to be another person's center. I'm pretty sure that the secret to a good marriage is in both partners making the Lord Jesus their center.  Only then do we begin to desire His mind and His heart, and learn to love with His love. Not that I can speak from experience, but I'm convinced today that a marriage like that would be amazing. I pray that some day down the road the Lord will bless me with another chance.

But for now I have a new Love, and He's been patiently waiting for me to notice Him all along. He writes me letters and gives me the most amazing gifts. He desperately wants to spend time with me. He is so in love with me I could cry just thinking about it. He has a big, beautiful plan for me with more in store than I can dream of. And despite the dreadfully imperfect love I have to offer Him in return, He treats me like a princess and wants our relationship to go to depths no words can describe. He loves me utterly and without condition. He is the perfect Mate.

It's hard raising kids alone. Sometimes I freak out when things happen. Maybe one of the kids does something wrong and I don't know how to handle it...or I want to buy them a treat, but maybe I'll spoil...or they are fighting too much over whose turn it is to do chores. In the midst of the chaos and uncertainty, I find myself looking around for someone who'll tell me what to do, and I curse my circumstances because I don't have anyone to cry with.

But then I am reminded that I do have a Husband. And this Husband has known about every single tear I've ever shed and has cried all of them with me. His wisdom is greater and far above that of anyone else I could talk to about how to be a good mother. When I just want to scream because I have no idea what to say or how to discipline, or whether I should make a particular purchase, or which vehicle would be best, or even what house plan to choose or which lot to build on, I have the Holy Spirit to counsel me with so much more wisdom than an earthly husband ever could. And He is helping me every single day to know how to run a hectic household and raise four incredible children in spite of everything.

But I have to do my part, too.

I must accept His love.
I must listen to His still, small voice and let Him guide me.
I must seek Him every single day and let Him fill the empty places in my life.

 He truly does make up for all that's missing in my life. And with my Husband's help, I am going to make it.

Shattered

I didn't see any way out of the pit that May afternoon, standing under the cemetery tent, staring at the polished wood of the casket that contained my husband's body. The mother of four school-aged children, I wondered how I would make it. Where could I possibly go from there? I knew the Lord would help me through, but I was so shattered and broken that I couldn't imagine how I would ever get past the grief and utter devastation of it all. Hundreds of loved ones spoke words of peace and comfort to me in those days just following our tragedy, but even though I remember clearly that they were there for me, I can't tell you what they said.

Except in one specific case. Someone at the gravesite that day had come just for the sole purpose of delivering a message to me. I didn't know her well; she was merely an acquaintance who taught at my school. But what she said to me, I will never forget until the day I pass from this life. She said that the Lord wanted me to know something--that the greater the need, the greater the grace...the greater the tragedy, the greater the opportunity for God to show Himself as Almighty. In the very moment I heard those words, that message went straight into my heart. My memory of those days is cloudy, but I do know that that experience was a turning point for me, and from that moment on I resolved to trust Him, knowing that somehow, some way, He would pull me out of the deepest, darkest pit of despair I had ever known.

I could tell you so many stories (and maybe I will), but for now, suffice it to say that God has literally blown me away time and time again since that day in the cemetery almost two years ago. I have seen God's providential hand constantly at work in my life, orchestrating absolutely everything, even down to the tiniest detail. I have experienced such abundant blessing that sometimes I can hardly contain it. I never dreamed something so tragic as what happened to my children and me could lead to a joyful, victorious life with such an outpouring of agape from the precious Spirit of God. But that's God Almighty for you.

It was all so horrific and terrifying, and I couldn't see a way past any of it at first...but God. He is just so big, so strong, so mighty, so loving, and He desires good things for us. Not just good things, but things that are truly wonderful beyond our wildest imagination. That's my God. I thank Him every day for loving the wretched mess-that-was-me right out of despondency and back to living again, this time for Him. I thank God that He is healing me and binding up my broken heart. And I thank Him for taking what the enemy meant for evil and turning it into something beautiful. Only He can make a shattered person whole again.

Thank You, Jesus, for redeeming my life from destruction, thank You for the wonderful things we see You doing for us every day when we pay attention, and thank You that by Your stripes, we are healed.

Why Mary?

 Jesus of Nazareth. ITC Entertainment. 1977

Mary is my role model.

I can't wait to meet Mary, the mother of Jesus. What an amazing girl, and I aspire to be just like her. Don't you know she was afraid? Can you imagine an angel visiting you and giving you the kind of news she got that day? The older I get, the more astounding I find the whole miraculous scenario. Her response? "Then Mary said, 'Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word'" (Luke 1:38).

So Mary heard a supernatural foretelling of something that was to happen inside her own body--something that would certainly make her look like a sinner--yet she loved her God enough to trust and believe and serve and submit. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have taken on that attitude, but I want to be like Mary.

And then there was Mary Magdalene. A sinner forgiven, she had a truly faithful heart. She accepted His grace. She followed Him. She ministered to Him. She stayed through His torture, His death, His burial...and she was there just after His resurrection, brokenhearted to think that the body of her Saviour had been stolen. Jesus was Mary's Everything. He was her Center. I picture her constantly at His feet, seeking His mind and His heart, wanting more of Him always.


Oh, Lord, may I be a Mary Magdalene. Help me to love you more. Help me to know you as the one and only Love of My Life. Heaven knows I can't depend on me because my flesh fails me every day. My family and friends will fail me, too, because they are human. But Your love never, ever has failed me, and I know it never will. I want to know You more deeply. Just as Mary so lovingly anointed You at Bethany, I desperately want to love You that extravagantly, for Your love for me has certainly been extravagant. Thank You for the way You love so sacrificially. May I learn to love with Your love. Please help me as I run to You, as I seek You every day.


Lord, make me a Mary.