31 Days: #18 Revisiting Egypt

It's a dry, thirsty land full of danger and way more valleys than mountaintops. It's a hopeless place of entrapment, and when I was there I thought I'd never get out. At times I fear I'll end up in Egypt again, but not in a physical sense. My Egypt is in my memories.

It's an easy place to return to--a downhill trip all the way. Some days I struggle to stay planted where I am now, always haunted by this slippery slope where at the bottom waits that old familiar pit of bondage and despair. No way do I want to go back there.

It's hard sometimes, accepting His grace. It's hard realizing He's made me new. I really am free of those detestable chains that had me bound for so long. The enemy wants to keep the truth of that grace from sinking into my heart. Oftentimes the world does, too. And so the deceptive whispers persist, always taunting me ... It wasn't so hard back then, was it? So few battles to fight, don't you remember? Wasn't the old life easier?

Then I consider it. I remember how little determination it took to let my flesh rule. I recall what it was like bearing a much lighter burden of responsibility. I ponder how oblivious I used to be to the wicked one's vicious schemes. How he left me alone back then since I wasn't a threat to him. How it must've pleased him, what little time I spent living for Jesus.

So the devil was pleased, the Lord was heartbroken, and I was miserable. No, the old life wasn't easier. So no matter how weary I grow and no matter how easy it might seem to let go just for awhile, I won't do it. Instead I'll hold fast to the Rock of Ages, the One who stands firmly planted here in the Promised Land.

And a bountiful land it is, full of beauty and blessing where flows an abundance of Living Water. This is my true homeland, and I'll keep on clinging and dwell here forever and never be thirsty again.

Instead of their shame My people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs. Isaiah 61:7

*This post is part of a series running through the month of October 2011. Read from the beginning here.  Find the other 31-Dayers here.

Too many Tootsie Rolls

The other day I read a really good Proverbs 31 devotional by Lysa TerKeurst entitled The Slippery Slope. It's about a married woman who fell into a devastating deception that began all because of a little attention paid her by a man she wasn't married to.

It seemed innocent enough at first--just a mild attraction. But one thing led to another as it always does, and before long she was meeting with him in secret. And down the slippery slope she slid.

Lysa writes, "Things being done in secret are an indication of being led by Satan." She talks about how Satan loves to keep us operating in our dark secrets, and about how skilled he is at keeping us blind to what's really going on.

After all, deceiving people is one of the things he does best. And though I'm not married anymore, I definitely get what it's like to be deceived by the wicked one.

I also know all about falling into the trap of too many secrets. A few hours after I read Lysa's devotional, I was sitting in an all-day meeting at work, and there was a bowl of Tootsie Rolls on the table in front of me. I don't even really like Tootsie Rolls (I'd rather splurge on real chocolate), so for the first two hours of the meeting, I did just fine. But then I got bored, and what did I do? I reached for a Tootsie Roll.

Then I got another. And I wrapped the first wrapper up in the second ... you know, to hide that I'd had two Tootsie Rolls. Then I ate another, and wrapped the first two wrappers up inside the third wrapper, just to keep the number private.

And I kept going. And pretty soon, I'd wrapped up so many wrappers inside new wrappers that I ended up with one great big ball of Tootsie Roll wrappers.

Suddenly it was no longer easy to hide that I'd eaten something like nineteen dumb pieces of candy. And I was embarrassed. Ashamed. All I wanted to do was hide the big ball.

And then I thought of the devotion I'd read just that morning, about keeping secrets. I realized that it's not just about hiding the extreme behaviors. I have all sorts of little things I don't want anyone to know about. Eating ... spending ... being lazy ... you know, stuff like that.

So, my lesson in this Tootsie Roll escapade is that if I am doing something that I for any reason feel compelled to hide or keep secret, then I need to question whether I should be doing it or not. So I'm making it my new goal to live a life free of deep, dark secrets.

It's not always about the Tootsie Rolls, as this is one of my less scandalous secrets. But I'm guessing that my new secret-free life will not only help me shed a few extra pounds, but also bring to light many other shameful burdens (big and small) that I tend to carry around. It's strange how freeing the exposure of sin can be. What irony.

Or, maybe it's not so ironic. After all, the light of Jesus has a way of making the prince of darkness look like a fool.

A thousand sleepless nights

A friend of mine recently sent me Laura Story's new song, "Blessings", and I cried as I listened. The lyrics articulate so beautifully the way God can bless us through heartache, and the words invite us to contemplate how our trials might just be His mercies in disguise. I heard the song again in church this past weekend, and I can't get it off my mind.

I don't think a song like this would've spoken to my heart so deeply before tragedy struck my home a couple of years ago and drastically altered life as I knew it. In a time of agonizing grief and fear, God showed up and blew me away with His amazing love, mercy, provision, and peace. By no means has it been easy, but I have known His presence all along the way, and I am forever changed as a result.

But it's an ongoing journey, and sometimes I get very tired. I grow weary of fighting battles day in and day out, of always having to struggle to keep from sinking back into that all too familiar pit of despair. I am tired of the sleepless nights, and I detest the fear that the darkness brings.

I don't remember being scared of the dark as a child. But if I ever was, it wasn't like this. When I think back to my most extreme times of hopelessness over the past two years, I think of the nighttime. It seems like life's heartaches are more overwhelming in the deepest, darkest parts of the night. Sometimes when I go to bed, I ask the Lord for peaceful sleep and then trust Him that things will look brighter when the sun comes up. Sometimes doing so is the only way I can face the night.

I didn't used to have trouble sleeping. I've experienced bouts of insomnia from time to time, but this isn't insomnia. It's a real, live battle, and it's one I'm not always strong enough to fight. The darkness brings things to mind that I don't want to remember, images I've begged God to help me forget. The night brings dread and discouragement. In the dark, I feel like a failure. I experience condemnation. I lose hope. Oftentimes I forget that the sun will rise again in the morning.

I forget to focus on the Light.

I know that the darkness I battle is of the wicked one. After all, he is the prince of darkness. And a clever prince, he is. He tricks me into thinking that I've failed so miserably that my life must surely be beyond restoration. The darkness overcomes me and weakens me. I can't shake the feeling of despair. Suddenly everything in my life seems wrong, and before I know it, I'm in the flesh and don't have the strength to fight.

In times like these I have to force myself to run to the Light of His word, which is full of life-giving reminders...

³ For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. ⁴ For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, ⁵ casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of  God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.... 2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Through it all, I've become very aware of the unseen battle being fought continuously in the spiritual realm. May I never lose sight of what's really going on. May I always reject the spirit of fear or discouragement. May He remind me each day to put on my spiritual armor and fight. May I never forget Who fights for me when I am too weak to fight for myself.

And may I always hold in my heart the amazing truth that He is accomplishing His purpose in me, even if it takes a thousand sleepless nights and a lifetime of being refined through the pain. May I always run to the Light.

An excerpt from  "Blessings":

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops? 

What if Your healing comes through tears?

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst 

This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life 

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise?

Story, Laura. "Blessings". Fair Trade/Columbia. 2011.

A "hate" letter to my enemy

To the devil:

In light of recent events, I feel compelled to write you a letter. You know...a letter just to tell you how I feel about you....

I really do hate you---and oh, how well I know the feeling is mutual. I want you to know that I am completely sick of you, although I realize you won't ever go away. I love to imagine you fleeing in terror when I plead the Blood of Jesus. Someday I'll get to see it with my own eyes, and I can't wait. You coward.

Did I mention that I despise you?

Just know that with every passing day of your relentless badgering, I see you more clearly for what you really are. You are stupid. Stupid and predictable. I'm learning to recognize your wicked tactics. How could I not by now? I've had so much exposure to you and your antics lately. But you will not steal my joy. You absolutely will not kill, steal from, or destroy me or my family. The Lord God is on His throne, and you will never succeed in causing His plans to go awry. I know you know that. I love that you know that.

You think you are getting to me, but all the harm you seek to do me really only makes me stronger. Do you know that? You are driving me to Jesus! Keep devising your evil schemes if you must...I'll cling to Jesus all the more. The deeper I go with Him, the more absurdly stupid you look. Yes, you've caused us pain, but guess what? God Almighty is in control, and He's turning it all to good! So take that!

You might strike me down, perplex me, or trouble me...maybe you'll discourage me or make me feel stupid and unqualified...you will most certainly continue to hound me with incessant distraction and drop countless obstacles in my path...but my God will pick me up, dust me off, and help me stand again after each and every battle. So get ready because I'm not giving up. I take it as a compliment that you won't leave me alone. I must be a threat to you! I pray so. I pray so in the name of Jesus. Yes, JESUS!! Are you trembling? I know you are....

By the way, get out of my house, and stay out in the name of JESUS. Leave my kids alone, in the name of JESUS. I have my armor on and I'm ready to do battle. I reclaim the Peace that passes understanding. I plead the Blood of JESUS over my mind and my thoughts...I plead the Blood of JESUS over my children's futures, and I plead the Blood of JESUS over my home and my property. I know you have to leave now! Ha!

Hate me all you want. Hate my kids, even. You should, because they are going to do mighty things for their Lord Jesus Christ. I realize you'll keep assigning all your ridiculous demons to attack us and try to deter us. But it won't work, because we have authority over you through the Blood of Jesus. Oops! I mentioned the Blood again! Scared? You should be. You are defeated, loser, and your days are numbered. You remember that day at the cross, don't you? My Jesus shed His Blood for me. I am His, and He is mine...and you lose.

Jesus is Lord! I know you hate to hear that because it's the truth! His light illuminates and eliminates your darkness at all times and in every situation. I will overcome you, by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony.

Get thee behind me, Satan, in the name of JESUS!

Praying you lose countless battles today,
A devoted child of your Enemy