31 Days: #9 Fear of storms

Storms used to scare me to death when I was little, and as an adult they still put me on edge. I'm sure growing up watching The Wizard of Oz didn't help.

When I was a young mother we used to live in a house in East Texas with lots of huge pine trees. They were just beautiful, but I had a love-hate relationship with them. I used to have a fit during bad weather because when the wind blew, those big, tall trees would sway back and forth high above us in the wind. I was terrified they would blow over and crash into the roof if it got really bad out (a common happenstance in that area). During the stormy tornado season, there was simply no peace to be had.

I knew back then that God was in control. But now? I know it. And truly knowing it makes all the difference. When you know it, there's more than enough Peace to be had.

I was driving tonight in a storm and saw a lightning bolt somewhere off in the distance that reached from the top of the sky down to the ground. What an amazing display of His awesome power, and it reminded me just how big He really is.

I taught my thunder-shy little girl a precious song years ago back in that old house in East Texas. The chorus goes like this:

I've seen it in the lightning,
Heard it in the thunder,
And felt it in the rain.
My Lord is near me all the time,
My Lord is near me all the time.

Storms can be scary, but they embody the majesty of God.

The storms of life are no different. The more tumultuous things get, the greater the opportunity for God to show Himself as Almighty. It's in the storm that He draws us near.

And a God so powerful can surely harbor me.

"My Lord is Near Me All the Time". Barbara Fowler Gaultney, 1960: Broadman Press.
(Take a listen...)

*This post is part of a series running through the month of October 2011. Read from the beginning here.  Find the other 31-Dayers here.

Lessons learned in days gone by

On the day I was born, my mom tells me that one of the first things my dad did was look at my hands. He had high hopes that I would grow up to play the piano, so he was checking to see how long my fingers were.

Lesson #1: Some men look at a girl's hands first before anything else.

When I was two, I smashed my fingers in a stroller. My dad freaked out, and my parents took me to the emergency room even though I'm sure money must've been tight back then. (Anything to preserve a future music career, I guess.)

Lesson #2: Fingers are really important. Take care of them.

Some of my earliest memories are of sitting with my dad on the piano bench, playing the high notes with my pointer fingers as he made his music. He let me play along to my heart's content as long as I didn't bang. (I thought I was really good.)

Lesson #3: Banging isn't good for pianos.
Lesson #4: Let your kids express their creativity even when it sounds terrible.

Once I was old enough for piano lessons, my frugal father decided to teach me himself. This new student/teacher arrangement lasted for approximately half a lesson. He asked me to clap a rhythm but I wouldn't cooperate, so I ended up in the time-out chair, and he ended up walking out of the lesson. (From that day on, he paid someone else to teach me piano lessons.)

Lesson #5: Don't try to give your own kids piano lessons. They will drive you crazy, and you will lose your temper. Period.

Nowadays I'm so thankful I learned how to play ... so thankful the Lord sees fit to use me in worship ministry. After my recent post about Fanny Crosby, I remembered a little devotional I wrote soon after I graduated from college. It was inspired by one of my most cherished F. Crosby hymns. I wrote about using our gifts in service to God and about memories of my Daddy's beautiful piano playing. If you know my family well, then you understand what I'm talking about ...

Sunday, December 1, 1996

I am blessed to have been reared in a home filled with beautiful music. As a child, I used to sit under my father's piano and listen to him make the sweetest music in the world. I still love to hear him play. I marvel at the way his fingers move so gracefully and effortlessly across the keyboard, producing the most glorious sounds on earth. Those sounds are precious to me. Yet even more precious are the messages behind those familiar old hymns I've so often heard him play. 

     Consecrate me now to they service Lord, by the power of grace divine; 

     Let my soul look up with a steadfast hope, and my will be lost in Thine.

-- "I Am Thine, O Lord", Fanny Crosby 1820-1915

Each of us has been blessed with our own unique gifts and talents, and God expects us to use and cultivate them in service to Him. How sweet it is to know that when we use these gifts to serve Him to our fullest potential, He draws us nearer to Him, to the cross, and to His "precious, bleeding side".

I cringe a little when I read stuff I wrote way-back-when because I see countless ways I could've made my stories more compelling. Yet reading this reminds me of just how richly the Lord blessed me when He allowed me to be born into a music-filled home--but even more than that, how blessed I am to have grown up watching my parents use their gifts to serve the Lord. I thank God for their example.

Lesson #6: Your kids are watching you closely, so be sure the example you set won't come back to bite you.

Today my home continues to be filled with music. Am I a professional musician? Hardly. But I'm still playing ... and my daughter sings like an angel and plays guitar ... and my son is the coolest drummer I know ... and the twins are both starting band this year (okay, so the music in our house might be less than beautiful for awhile, but we'll get through it).

Lesson #7: We serve a God who loves to bless us with the things we enjoy most.

One of my most fervent prayers is that my four kids will remain faithful in using their gifts to serve the Lord all the days of their lives. I could burst with happiness at the prospect ... and truly, I can think of no greater legacy to leave behind.

May I be just the example they need. Amen.

The face I long to see most

Whose face do you want to see first when you get to Heaven?

Each and every heart-wrenching goodbye in this life creates in me a deeper yearning for my true home in Glory. As I ache for those I long to see most when my time comes, I can't help pondering the words of Fanny Crosby, a blind and prolific poet who authored some of the the most popular hymns of our day:

"It seemed intended by the blessed providence of God that I should be blind all my life, and I thank him for the dispensation. If perfect earthly sight were offered me tomorrow I would not accept it. I might not have sung hymns to the praise of God if I had been distracted by the beautiful and interesting things about me. When I get to heaven, the first face that shall ever gladden my sight will be that of my Savior".

Her words make me cry. How could a woman blind from infancy write so beautifully about "visions of rapture" bursting on her sight ("Blessed Assurance")? What made her long to see the face of Jesus before she'd ever seen a face at all?

To be thankful for a handicap because it prevents distraction ... what a unique perspective.

To consider the fact that out of a godly woman's blindness came such timeless hymns of praise ... hymns like "Near the Cross" ... "All the Way My Savior Leads Me" ... "Tell Me the Story of Jesus" ... "Pass Me Not" ... "Rescue the Perishing" ... "I Am Thine, O Lord" ... "He Hideth My Soul" ... "Praise Him" (just to name a few) ...

... it all causes me to wonder just how far God might take me in the midst of life's hardships if I allow myself to be used.

I also wonder ... how did I sing these hymns my whole life and still not notice their messages? But today the words are precious to me. I marvel at the depth and the anointing. I marvel that the lines written so long ago still endure ... truly some of the sweetest words on earth. Words that express a longing to see Jesus.

Of all the faces I've been blessed to see in this life--even the ones I see now only in photographs and memories--the Face I long to see most is the face of Jesus.

I thank God for my sight, but may I never be so distracted with what I see in the world around me that I forget to focus on Him. May I live my life each day as though tomorrow is the day I'll meet Him face to face.

Do you have the "write" degree?

I dedicate this post to a friend of mine (you know who you are...). It's kind of funny. My friend and I are both writers, and we are also both musicians. I was an English major, and she was a music major.

My friend is a great writer, but she's not crazy about letting me read what she writes. She always points out that I'm the one with the degree in English...that I'm the one who knows about clauses....that I'm the one who understands active/passive voice...etc., etc., etc.

I understand how she feels. It took me a while to get the guts up to play in front of her. It can be intimidating playing in front of someone with a music degree when you've never had formal musical training. But she's always said that it doesn't matter. I protest because of all I don't know. I don't always follow the rules of musicianship...I don't know how to stack chords...I never studied music theory...etc., etc., etc. Sometimes I just feel inadequate around professional musicians.

Likewise, I suppose she feels intimidated letting me read her writings because she doesn't have the same training I have (which is kind of comical since I earned most of my degree reading Masterplots summaries and Cliff's Notes rather than studying the actual works themselves).

The fact is, our education doesn't always necessarily match up with our calling. My friend is a writer without an English degree. I'm a musician without a music degree. But you know what? The Holy Spirit anoints my music anyway. He anoints her writing anyway. He equips us and empowers us to do what He's called us to do. All it takes is for us to humble ourselves and then say "Use me, Lord".

Who cares if we don't have a clue what transformational generative grammar is? Who cares if we can't explain why the world needs something called the circle of fifths? I'll just keep on abusing ellipses and playing strange chord progressions as He leads me. I'll trust Him and keep my heart open to new possibilities. I invite Him to do with me as he pleases. The Lord doesn't care what degree I have. My incompetence is His competence. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Pretty cool, when you think about it. He's a pretty awesome God. :)

So he answered and said to me: "This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: 'Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,' says the Lord of Hosts. 

- Zechariah 4:6 NKJV

I will not sulk

I'm surrounded by people, yet I am lonely.

It seems crazy that someone like me could be lonely. I have a house full of kids to keep me company ... an extended family eagerly waiting for a call or a visit ... a whole host of friends who'd love to go out for coffee ... even a couple of codependent dogs who aren't happy unless they are snuggled up to somebody.

I feel so deeply for all lonely souls who truly don't have anyone to spend time with ... those who've never been part of a fellowship of believers ... shut-ins who can no longer get out in the world and interact with others ... hurting hearts who feel that no one loves them ... nursing home residents long forgotten by their families ....

Then I think of how blessed I am and feel like such a baby for whining about being lonely. But sometimes the things that happen to us can put is in a very lonely spot. Our circumstances isolate us, and it's way too easy to pout about it---especially when the enemy torments us with lies that "no one understands" or "no one cares". But to dwell here is dangerous because loneliness often leads to the trap of focusing on self.

I wonder how different my life would be if, every time I felt lonely, I would take it as my cue to run to my Father, in Whom I find assurance that I am never alone? What if, instead of dwelling on all that's happened to put me in this lonely place, I would grab my Bible and meditate on the promises of His love and His constant presence in my life? What if, rather than sulking, I chose to thank Him for everything under the sun? What if, rather than complaining to Him, I chose to adore Him, to devote myself to Him completely, to exalt Him to the heights He deserves? What if, instead of pouting, I simply worshiped Him?

This requires discipline because the last thing I want to do when I'm down and depressed is worship. But when I can bring myself to do so, I know I won't stay down for long because as His word promises, He inhabits the praises of His people.

Paul and Silas exemplified this in Acts 16. Beaten and in chains, those two must have felt intensely alone in their circumstances. But instead of wallowing, they sang hymns of praise to their God, loudly enough for the other prisoners to hear. I clearly need to hear as well. God inhabited their praises as He is so faithful to do, even today. Once they responded with praise, He moved and caused an earthquake that released them from their chains. Amazing! I wonder how things would have turned out if Paul and Silas had pouted and sulked, the way I tend to do. What a lesson.

This week all four of my kids are out of town, and so far I've done quite a lot of wallowing. But I'm done with that. I'm finally viewing this alone-time as my opportunity to draw near to Him, to spend time with Him, to thank Him, and to worship Him. What a privilege!

So, no more sulking.

Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him and bless His name. Psalm 100:4

Lord, when I find myself feeling lonely in my circumstances, give me the strength and the discipline to praise You instead of wallowing. Help me make the most of my time alone; help me think to spend it with You ....

Worship, for real

What is worship, anyway? Even though I grew up in church, and despite my years of playing piano for churches, I am just now learning about what it truly means to worship God.

I used to feel uncomfortable in settings where people showed outward, uninhibited expressions of worship because I wasn't used to it. But they had something that I was missing. They experienced true, intimate worship in the presence of the Holy Spirit. I don't think I ever actively sought to enter the presence of the Lord during times of worship. Maybe I would sometimes ask Him to help me play a difficult song. Or occasionally I'd ask Him to calm my nerves. Yes, I prayed, but I used to make worship about me when it should have been about Him.

I've been reading in 1 Samuel about the life of young David, and I have thought a lot lately about my own worship. When Samuel anointed David to be future king, the Spirit of God fell on David from that day forward. He was a prophet, a poet, a writer of psalms, a warrior, and a skilled musician whose anointed playing on his harp drove evil spirits away. David was an imperfect person through whom God accomplished much by the power of His Holy Spirit. David was a man after God's own heart, and he knew how to worship.

I want to be like that. But do I seek after God's heart like David did? Much of the time, no. Like David, I am an imperfect person who has made some big mistakes. But also like David, I can seek forgiveness and ask the Lord to create in me a clean heart. The power of the Holy Spirit is at work in me in exactly the same way as He empowered David. And despite the many ways I have failed Him, God chooses to use me anyway.

Psalm 51:10  Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit in me.  11 Do not cast me away from Your presence, and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

I am learning that real, authentic worship occurs when I seek to live my life in a way that ushers in the presence of the Holy Spirit. So if I mess up, I need to make it right immediately. Otherwise, the experience of worship will remain elusive. Shame on me if I stand in leadership on a praise team with an unclean heart. Shame on me if on a difficult day in the flesh, I don't seek to enter His presence and draw near to Him through prayer before I serve. Shame on me when I allow distractions to cause me to shift my focus back onto myself or anywhere else other than on Jesus.  Lord forgive me where I have failed You in these areas.

When I agreed about a year ago to fill a position in a praise band, I felt intimidated and unqualified to be there. These people really knew how to worship, and I didn't. But my wonderful pastor took me aside and patiently coaxed me to just let go and not even worry about the notes I played. He said I should worship exactly the way I would in my own private worship time at home. I am ashamed to admit that back then I didn't experience those private times of worship he referred to.

But my pastor's encouragement made me more curious about how to really worship. Over time, I started to worry less about what I was playing, and I set out to simply praise my God. I asked the Holy Spirit to teach me how to worship and to anoint my playing. I asked Him to use me and play through me and to let all I do glorify Him rather than me.

Asking for His help in this way was a first for me. It used to be that all I cared about was sounding good. But now all I care about is entering into His presence and bringing glory and honor to His name. My worship is vastly different than it used to be, and so is my heart.

Psalm 9:1 I will praise You, O Lord, with my whole heart; I will tell of all Your marvelous works.  2 I will rejoice in You; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High.

I still have a lot to learn about worship. But the good news is that I get to spend the rest of my life honoring and adoring my God----and I can do so any time, anywhere. And even better, I get to praise Him for all eternity! I long for the experience of worshiping in heaven. I wonder...what will it be like? Will I be able to keep the tears from pouring? Will I be able to keep from lifting my hands in praise and adoration when we meet face-to-face? Will I fall to my knees when I see Him? Will I even be able to speak in His presence?

I'll find out some day. But for now I have the privilege of entering into God's presence through His Holy Spirit----and that my soul knows very well.