31 Days: #3 Lamenting my past

I loathe it, I will always loathe it, and seems at times I'll never find peace for all this loathing of it. I never, ever wanted my past to look the way it does. A little girl doesn't grow up expecting to one day bear the shame of two failed marriages. Yet here I am, and in a few days I'll be forty years old and single.

Single. Much of the time my heart yearns to know why. What's wrong with me that they didn't want to stay?

But I know exactly why so I go listing the reasons and they are endless. Then I curse my imperfections and I dwell and I blame myself, even for things that happened beyond my control. So many mistakes, and I suffer and my kids suffer and I don't want to swallow any of it but it's like the vilest liquid being force-poured into me and it burns all the way down. And the question haunts me again, Why didn't I do things differently? 

But then ...

I remember Grace. Peace fills me as I think of that blessed day when my past was nailed to the Cross. I weep thankful tears because of what the deepest part of me knows, that His Blood covers it all, both the things that were my fault and the things that weren't. I rest in that promise He made me--beauty for ashes. I hope again as I claim His plans to prosper me and not harm me. And I know He meant it for my kids, too, and everything has to be alright because He's always working.

Then I hear that familiar, unfailing whisper, only this time I really listen. Let it go and look at Me, beloved.

So once again I fling those chains off and run to Him with all the strength I can muster, and I do let it all go because He doesn't remember it anymore so why should I? Then I'm a bride all over again and I turn my eyes toward the face of the Husband who loves me so, and all I see is the only Thing worth remembering.

Behold, I will make all things new. Rev. 21:5

216. amazing, matchless Grace
217. curly pumpkin stems
218. the Fort Worth stockyards
219. Christian musicians who aren't afraid to be bold about their faith in secular settings
220. the wisdom of God-given friends
221. new boots
222.Target clothing sales
223. beautiful fall produce
224. HEB's free sushi samples
225. and their curbside grocery-loading service
226. fun new 31-Dayer friends
227. the way He works it all out how you least expect Him to
228. it's October! (my fave month)
229. the way writing about your battles help you figure out ways to conquer them
230. sitting outside on these cool mornings and how it feels a little bit like Heaven on earth. Amen.

*This post is part of a series running through the month of October 2011. Read from the beginning here.  Find the other 31-Dayers here.

Falling apart

I don't like this. It's not like I imagined it would be, and it overwhelms me trying to hold it all together when it only wants to fall apart.

Yet I know the most wonderful things come out of the most painful predicaments. I know that in the most dire situations He's doing His most amazing work. I know that when it all goes to ruins, somehow it turns out He was just removing the old to bring in the new.

So, I don't like this. And I'm certain that means He's doing something wonderful.

Job 42

 1 Then Job answered the LORD and said:

 2 “I know that You can do everything,
And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You.
 3 You asked, ‘Who is this who hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."

* Linking up with Internet Cafe Devotions for Word-Filled Wednesday and A Holy Experience for Walk with Him Wednesdays.

5-Minute Friday: "Growing"

GO.

Growing. How it hurts sometimes. I carried each of them home for the first time in my arms and the growing pains began--the recovery, the sleepless nights, the angst of growing into a decent parent.

Then I watched my pain become theirs as they grew and learned about heartbreak and skinned knees and what "hot" means and how ugly people can be to each other.

So they grew older and I grew wiser, and all they wanted to do was grow up more. To be older than now, always. It never changes--we all just want to grow up.

And so they are. My oldest, whom I carried home for the first time only just yesterday, will be an adult next month. Eighteen years of watching her grow from no shoes at all into plastic high heels, then from wishing she could wear my shoes into thinking my shoes are too old-womanish.

And pretty soon she'll put on her own trendy shoes and walk right out of my home and into her own. All grown up.

I can only pray that as they grow into their own adult-sized skin, He is growing their hearts into a heart like His. And Lord, how that hurts sometimes. But what more beautiful kind of hurt is there than growing in Him?

STOP.

But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen.  2 Peter 3:18

Linking up with The Gypsy Mama to just write for five minutes without worrying whether it's just right or not. Blessings to you this Friday!

Just one touch

It was a risk, and she knew it. To be there was breaking the law. But He was her last hope, and she was desperate.

So she pushed her way through and reached out for that one precious touch. And in an instant the healing came and He felt power leave Him and He turned around and she fell trembling.

But isn't it just like Him to speak the perfect thing to calm our fears? "Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace, and be healed of your affliction." (Mark 5:34)

He's our only hope, too. May we seek Him the way she did, and may we know His touch today.

A handful of dirt

I saw the couple standing across from me and my heart broke all over again. I pried my gaze away but the next place I looked was another couple, arm in arm. And then another. Everywhere, couples standing together, being there for each other. It made me want to scream.

So I turned my eyes to the flowers on the casket and tuned in to the preacher's words. This time it was my uncle who'd gone to Heaven, his departure only four weeks after our last big loss. The one that shattered our home and ripped me in half.

The preacher droned on. "Until He comes again, death is our only exit from this life...." I didn't want to listen to the words I so desperately needed to hear. Being at a funeral again this soon was killing me and I just wanted to get out of there. So I looked away from all those infuriating couples, away from the casket, and toward the fresh mound of dirt only a few footsteps away. The urge to scream vanished as waves of grief overcame me. How can the broken pieces of a soul keep on shattering? But sometimes they can.

All these women have their husbands by their side and mine is  under that pile of dirt. As the preacher wrapped things up, the mound beckoned me. When I reached it I fell to my knees and rested my hands on the dirt, the anger rising up again. How could you do this to me? You should be here with the kids and me, not down there. We need you. But the closest I could get to him was a handful of dirt.

So I cursed my circumstances and squeezed that dry, dusty dirt in my furious fist and watched it fall through my fingers to the ground. Again I fought the urge to scream because how rotten is it to hold a handful of worthless dirt instead of the thing you really want?

But oh how much like that dirt are the things we treasure in this life. The more tightly we clench them, the more easily they slip away. So I knelt there longing to touch the one who'd left me, despising my fistful of stupid sorry dirt, knowing my yearnings were futile because none of it would bring him back.

How much more easily I could've borne it all if only I'd known the seeds God would sow in that ugly-brown mound of dirt. If only I'd realized the amazing things He can do through heart-wrenching circumstances like mine. If only I'd understood that losing this love would drive me to my one True Love and into the deepest love relationship of my life.

When my babies were little my Granny used to tell me kids need a certain amount of dirt to be healthy. She was probably right, but now I'd take it a little farther than that. Today I'd say that sometimes the dirt is what keeps us alive.

Even still, God is using that wretched mound of dirt to sow into me the seeds of love and mercy and healing, and to root me firmly in Him. To feed me, grow me, prune me, and transform me into someone who's finally starting to get it, someone who is living the abundance of life in Christ. The growing pains have been more agonizing than I can articulate, yet more life-giving than I ever dreamed.

I'll never stop thanking God for all He's done in me and for the new life He's given me. And to think it all begin with a wretched pile of dirt.

161. the life-giving seeds He sows in our hearts

162. awesome worship this weekend

163. good times with great friends

164. godly wisdom imparted to me by those I respect

165. the Holy Spirit's leading

166. birthday camp-out in the back yard was a success

168. Discount Tire Company

169. tears shed during communion yesterday morning

170. how much fun his gigs are

171. and I didn't forget my phone this time

172. the busy (but fun!) week of classes ahead

173. he's fifteen now and I love every single day I've had with him

174. redneck camping lights

175. party food (despite the next morning's food hangover)

176. I got this week's classwork done in one sitting

177. dogs. I just love 'em!

178. my dream come true of having a home filled with music

179. his beautiful songs and the way they make me cry

180. the puppy chewed a hole in the carpet and now I can't find it.:) Amen. 

And the wind blows

I should have known something was blowing in yesterday. Or maybe I should say blowing out. This relentless Texas heat wave has lasted for such a long time now. But yesterday something was different. It was windy and a few degrees lower (but only a few). 

So only a day ago the wind was blowing and I was in turmoil over some things. But God brought something big to a close yesterday in my life, and now I see that winds were blowing in the spiritual realm, too.

This morning I'm having coffee out back in my swing. And guess what ... I need a blanket. It's still breezy and almost cold out here, and I can't believe it. It's like He's moved that heat wave on out of here right along with what needed to be over and done with and gone from my life.

And so the wind blows, and a chapter closes.

Sometimes we hate the wind. It blows trash into the yard. It blows our skirts up and our hairstyles all out of whack. It blows things in our eyes. It can be irritating and sometimes downright dangerous. But there are some things that just need to be blown right on out of here, and He knows it.

So this morning I'm thankful He's still on His throne, He's still moving like the wind, and cool breeze never felt so glorious.

"The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit. " John 3:8

141. fall is coming, praise God!

142. Starbucks vanilla coffee right out of the press. Yum.

143. watching the doggies play

144. a family that has my back

145. lunch with a wonderful friend

146. friends who pray for me

147. friends who encourage me

148. the worship gig went okay

149. God's reminders that there are always opportunities for witness

150. he did the yard for me

151. things are calming down a little at work

152. my back porch swing

153. I still can't believe I'm actually a student again

154. the worship gig went okay!

155. Texas barbecue

156. I'm back in contact with one of my oldest and dearest friends

157. some of my friends are starting to write ... so exciting!

158. my Mama was sick, but she's better now

159. the countless ways He somehow makes it all okay

160. His beautiful wind. Amen.

5-minute Friday: "New"

{Linking up with The Gypsy Mama today. She challenges us to just write for five minutes without worrying whether it's just right or not. You should try it. It's fun!}

GO.

My favorite thing as a little girl was to get something new. New shoes were the best! New clothes were fun, too. And I'm still amazed at how excited I could get over new fingernail polish or pretty new things to wear and to play with.

But as we grow up, so do our desires. Pretty soon it was a new car I wanted. And a new job. A new house would be nice, too. And a new husband. And of course, a new baby (or several new babies).

Then we get the gospel presented to us and we want a new heart. We learn how Jesus can wash our black ones to white with His precious red blood, and it's all too simple to make sense, but we trust anyway and now here we are with a new heart.

And we see Him working in our lives and we begin to yearn for a deeper kind of new, the new of wanting His heart and His mind. Of loving others with His love and thinking His thoughts and responding with His reactions. It's no longer that gotta-have-it wishing for new shoes or new cars or new careers or husbands or babies.

Now we know that every new thing we ever got is only because He gave it to us, and we're blown away to learn that with Him, the new will never grow old because His mercies are new every morning. His grace lets us start over again and again. His love gives us not just a new heart, but a new life.

He alone makes all things new.

STOP.

Shhh, I'm working!

I've been back to work now for the past week, but yesterday was the first day back for teachers. Trust me when I say you've never heard so much chatter and laughing in your life as one hears at a reunion of a gazillion teachers after summer vacation. My throat literally hurt by the end of the day after all the yacking I did.

The start of school is something I dread and get excited about, all at the same time.  It's always sad to see the end of the summer break, but then being back at work is never as bad as I expect it to be. Seeing my friends is a blast, and I really do love teaching. And I love being a librarian!

So here we go! It's a time for new beginnings. A chance to start over and do things better and more efficiently. An opportunity to venture out and learn about new books and technologies. A time to develop new relationships with a fresh crop of kids and a few new teachers. So as dog-tired as I am already, I'm excited to be going back to school for another round.

Oh, how the years go by. I have two kids in high school, two kids in middle school, and no more kids in elementary. How did that happen? They've gone and grown up on me, and I feel like I'm entering a new season in my life. I'm so proud of the godly people my kids are growing up to be, and I'm so thankful for them. I'm also thankful I still have a job where I get to work with wonderful teachers and awesome kids. I'm just blessed all around.

Lord, help me let go of the old and embrace the new, and help me to trust You as You bring new opportunities into my life. Remind me that I'm working not for just my employer, but for Jesus Himself. May I offer Him my very best, every single day.

But as it is written: 'Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.' 1 Corinthians 2:9

When what God gives doesn't feel like a gift

How do you open your hand to receive from God when what He's giving you feels nothing like a gift? 

 I heard someone ask this question today, and it was a long time before I could speak without tears.

I'd been a widow for only a short time when a dear friend came to visit. She sat across from me and as we talked, she looked into my eyes and said "You've been handed a gift." I thought, This seems the least like a gift of anything I've ever known. My life hadn't turned out at all like I expected.

We all have dreams. One of mine? To stay married to the same person forever ... to grow old with the father of my children. But this dream that eluded me for years is now forever gone from my reach. Instead, I've been served up a dish full of hurt from plans gone awry, and it's hard to choke down at times.

But something happened in my heart tonight, and as I contemplated that intriguing question about receiving God's "gifts", I realized that everything--everything--is a gift. Even in times when we don't see reasons to thank Him, we can place enough trust in His love to thank Him anyway.

Tonight, I'm thankful even for the gifts that seem like curses--because in my suffering He draws me near. He is Peace in my chaos. Focus in my confusion. Healing in my brokenness. Refinement in the furnace. Everything is a gift.

My incredibly wise friend spoke the truth. What if the magnitude of our loss is the same measure the Lord uses to fill the empty space in our lives? What if He doesn't stop there? What if He overflows us with even more than we had before? That's the kind of God we serve. We only have to sit back and take notice as He does His work.

And even when my fist is clenched too tightly to receive, He uncurls these fingers one by one and places His gifts in my hand anyway, knowing full well that in no time I'll be lifting this very same hand to Him in worship and gratitude. Everything is a gift.

So, tonight I lay my hopes and dreams down at the foot of the Cross, realizing that He has plans to prosper me and not harm me ... knowing that He is the Giver of all good things and His dreams for me will far exceed my own  ... trusting that His purpose for my pain merits in me a heart of thankfulness ...

... believing that only when I come to a point of full surrender to His will can I have the life He has planned for me. And it all begins with a thankful heart.

He's an amazing God who desires only good things for me. A God whose beautiful plans for my life far surpass anything I could ever dream up. And I am thankful.

Risky Business

"Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."  - Anais Nin

I ran across this quote the other day, and I was intrigued when I thought about how relevant these words are to my life right now. So many times I'm afraid to open myself up to new possibilities, even when God flings new doors wide open and calls me to walk through them. It's a simple fear of the unknown.

Maybe I'll fail, maybe I'll look stupid, maybe it'll hurt. Perhaps it would be better to stay like I am rather than take a chance on the embarrassment of stumbling, falling, or even breaking a leg while venturing down a new path. It just isn't worth the risk, in spite of the possibility that I might succeed. So, I don't blossom.

I wish I were one of those unique souls in life whose creativity flows forth in abundance.  I wish I were fearless enough to put myself out there and not worry about what might happen. But I'm the opposite. I can write one chapter of a book and then feel like I'd rather die than let someone read it, because to do so feels to me like walking naked in a crowd.

I'm sure I've failed to blossom the way God intended me to. I've been far too self-conscious, too afraid of what others will think, too afraid they'll laugh at me or pity me or think I look stupid.

But I'd like to take a risk and see what else is out there for me. The unsettled feeling I've had lately is about to drive me crazy. I'm no longer content with staying constrained inside my bud. In fact, it has become quite painful to remain here. To venture out and bloom is to risk further pain and rejection, but I'm starting to see that taking a risk every now and then is necessary in order to fulfill God's purpose for my life.

So, what will hurt worse? To stay tightly inside my bud, or to take a chance and bloom?

It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect.  Psalm 18:32

 Lord, I want to blossom. Grow me into all that You intended me to be. Take my words and make them Yours. May You be glorified through me.  Amen.

I finally get it

Several years ago, a teacher at my school was suffering through a painful divorce. She and I talked often since I'd been through it, too. Her husband was in ministry, and I could see that she'd been an excellent helpmate for him. Deeply spiritual, she would talk to me about how her faith was growing and how she was learning to let God fill her void.

During a chat one day, she said something like "You know how it is...the Lord becomes your Husband." I nodded in agreement with her. But in my mind I was thinking, I have no earthly idea what she's talking about.

I never thought about that conversation again until recently. Now, years later, I think about how sad it is that I didn't seek God with passion during that season of my life. Yes, I prayed, but I didn't seek His will. Instead, I asked Him to give me what I wanted and then plunged right in, never really listening to what He had to say about it. Oh, the heartache I could've avoided if only I had sought Him....

I'm told that when one writes a book, it's ideal to speak from a platform. I've been praying about this, and at last, I think my platform is springing forth out of the ash heap. My passion is to see others seek God in times of pain and tragedy. We must seek Him every day, even when life is going smoothly.

But when the times get hard and the fear, discouragement, and loneliness set in, for some reason it's so tempting to run somewhere else besides Him. I don't know why that is, but if I've learned anything, it's that He is always there, no matter what. We can't always say that about the people we love and depend on, but we can say it about Him. He will not fail us under any circumstances.

My most popular post of all time continues to be one I wrote on this subject, about how He fills the void in my life. People need to know this about Him--that He is waiting to fill us and bless us abundantly. But we have to make room for Him.

I want hurting people to know that He's the one they can turn to when their situation becomes desperate. It's futile to look for our worth, identity, or fulfillment in another person, but looking to the Lord Jesus is a different story altogether. He is the only One in Whom we can find strength, love, rest, redemption, grace, mercy...you name it, He provides it. There is no way we'll be shortchanged when we let Him fill the void. He wants to make up for all we've lost, as well as all we never had in the first place.

And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; for You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.  Psalm 9:10 

Let me be a tree...

Oh, how I love a big, beautiful tree.

I had lots of trees growing up. My father loves them, too, and he always made sure we had plenty of trees in our yard. If we moved into a house that didn't have enough trees, he would hire big trucks to haul them in and plant them. One time he bought a new tree for each of us, and we even got to name it. Mine was named Albert.

Now I live in a new-ish neighborhood that lacks mature vegetation, and I am missing the trees.

I have one lone tree in my yard--a young live oak. It seems healthy enough, but it's sensitive to the heat, and I have to water it often. It's fighting to grow and become stronger, but sometimes it struggles.

I am like that tree.

But I have hope, because I know that one day the little tree that grows in my yard will mature into an inviting presence to grace the outside of my home. It will stand tall and its roots will go deep. Its branches will be hearty after years of pruning. It will be strong enough for children to climb and sturdy enough to withstand dangerous winds and bad weather. Some day it will bear fruit, and its acorns will feed squirrels and birds and provide seed for new life. Its presence will draw people into the protection of its shade. It will be solid. It will be a tree mature enough to endure all seasons.

I hope to grow into this kind of tree. But like the little tree outside, I have a long way to go. I try to do well, but the heat gets to me. I need quite a bit of attention from my Caretaker. I also need a lot of pruning, and I'm sure I must require Him to work extra hard to rid me of the lifeless, unfruitful parts of my heart. Even though I might bear fruit, it's not as much as I'd like. My roots don't go all that deep yet; I stay very thirsty. I'm too weak to do a good job of standing tall in storms. In fact, oftentimes I bend in the wind, almost to the breaking point. I have a lot of maturing to do yet.

But I know He is doing a work in me. May He continue to prune me, even though it hurts. I want to be deeply rooted and strong enough to endure through every season, no matter what life hurls at me. I want to bear fruit so that others may see Jesus in me. I want to live a holy life that compels others to do the same. Just as an old oak tree draws us to its shade, I pray that I might be the kind of example that draws others into His presence. May He use me to plant seeds in the hearts of others that will bring forth a bountiful harvest of souls for His kingdom.

He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever he does shall prosper. Psalm 1:3

Lord, grow me into this kind of tree....

Don't Look Back

One of my all-time favorite movies is Hope Floats. I love the scene where Birdee Calvert (Sandra Bullock) is driving away with her daughter to leave her familiar life and a broken marriage with plans of returning to her roots in Texas.

She gently reprimands her daughter for turning around from the front seat to look back because it's bad luck, but even Birdee herself can't help glancing in the rearview mirror as the house grows smaller in the distance, the shredded curtains in the abandoned windows left behind as evidence of her fury over her husband's infidelity. Unfair circumstances have forced them to leave their old life behind and start over again, and it’s just not easy to let go.

Oh, how I can relate. Change is so scary. One of the most difficult things to do in life is to let go of the past. Even when our current life isn’t all that spectacular, we’re afraid the future will be even worse. This fear can be crippling. And it can hold us back from all the blessing God has in store for us when we are willing to trust Him for a brand new life.

Change is not only frightening, it’s often painful. But it’s also something we can embrace as a God-given opportunity to grow spiritually by leaps and bounds. When my life has fallen apart and my world seems to be ending, what else is there to do but run to the One Who holds me in His hand? He Who has begun a good work in me is more than able to see it through and deliver me. He is more than worthy of my trust.

For the past year I’ve had some scriptures from Isaiah 43 posted on my wall at work. During those difficult days when I’ve struggled not to dwell on my overwhelming circumstances, my eyes once again run across those precious words that always serve to remind me to let the past go and believe that God is doing a new thing in my life.

Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:18-19 (KJV)

I’m not saying it’s always easy to embrace the future. I still struggle with the desire to look back on my past and dwell on the things I’ve lost or the things I regret. But I’m so thankful that my God is gracious enough to allow me to start all over again every time I need to. He never gets tired of me. I’m thankful that I haven’t turned into a thousand pillars of salt by now. Instead, He lifts my head and points my face in the direction of His light. He gives me the strength to keep walking toward my future. And as more time goes by, I find myself wanting to run.

Hope Floats. 20th Century Fox. 1998. DVD.

An expectant heart

On my first day as a teacher almost fourteen years ago, my dad brought a new plant to my classroom. All these years I have kept this plant alive, which hasn't been an easy task since my thumb in no way resembles any shade of green.

This past winter I forgot about my plant one night during a severe freeze and accidentally left it out on the porch. I brought it in the next morning as soon as I remembered it, but it began to wilt immediately, and despite my desperate attempts to revive it, it looked dead within a few days. I know it was just a plant, but it meant something to me and I was really upset with myself for leaving it outside to wither and die in the freeze.

But even after all the leaves had fallen off, I noticed that at the very base of the plant there was still the tiniest bit of green. So I called the greenest thumb I know to ask her what I could do, and she said that if there was any green left at all, there was still hope. She advised me to use some root stimulator on it, water it, put it in a window, and then just hope for the best. So I complied, and then I waited.

At first I didn't have much hope at all. But as the days passed, I began to notice new growth----and then I truly began to hope. Before long I found myself believing that my plant would live.

A few weeks after that freeze, I was standing by the window one day looking at this plant. I pondered the new life sprouting up out of the dirt, and I thought about how this plant's circumstances had all but killed it, yet here it was, still alive. Then the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said You are like this plant. Your circumstances have all but killed you, but you are going to make it.

The Lord used my little plant blunder to increase my faith and to give me new hope thr0ugh His assurance that I am, indeed, going to make it. And not only will I make it, but I am going to thrive and flourish because my God is the ultimate Root Stimulator, and He looks after me with all the extra care and tenderness I need, that He may bring restoration and revival to my soul.

There is nothing like having real hope---the kind that has been poured straight out of God's own heart and into mine. Wonderful things are coming!

Hebrews 11:1  Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

I'm listening

Isaiah 55:11  So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.

One thing I have learned...God is always speaking to us. My whole life, He has been speaking to me--I was just unwilling to listen. 

When I found myself on my own to manage life and raise my kids, I learned very quickly that I desperately need to hear Him speak to me--and often. So one of my most fervent prayers became "Lord, let me hear Your voice." When you pray for something like that, you'd better get ready because He wants to answer!

I've always been guilty of telling Him what I want and then praying "Lord, please let this be Your will"...and then going right ahead with my plans without a thought as to what He really had to say about it. This kind of behavior has gotten me into some pretty bad scrapes.

But He has lovingly chastened me over the years and has helped me realize that what I truly want is His will--even if it means waiting or getting something other than what I'm asking for--because anything other than His will is not the best for me. Once I began truly seeking Him and pleading with Him to tell me what to do, where to go, whom to call, what to say, how to respond, how much to spend, or whether I can trust, etc., I began to notice that my days became filled with intimate two-way conversation between my Heavenly Father and me. Life is so much different when we have the wisest Counselor of the entire universe to speak to us and help us live our lives and make our decisions.

God speaks in many ways. Much of the time He uses well-known scriptures that suddenly apply in very new and different ways to my problems. Often He reveals scripture I've never seen before. Or He might deliver a word through a friend, a relative, or even a stranger, and when what they have to say touches me in a deep and unexpected way, I sense an anointing on their words and know He has spoken. And sometimes He chooses to allow His Holy Spirit to reveal certain things directly to my heart, and I simply know and receive what He is saying to me. And because I am a doubting Thomas, He remains faithful to provide confirmation through His word or through other people...or sometimes both.

Isaiah 42:9  Behold, the former things have come to pass. And new things I declare; before they spring forth I tell you of them.

For me, the challenge is in believing Him and in having faith in what He has told me because in the very moment I decide that I do trust Him, that I do believe what He says, I'm hit with the enemy's crafty attempts to distract me and cloud my vision and make it seem like there is no way I could have heard correctly. Through Satan's relentless badgering, my thoughts begin to turn away from the Truth. ...I knew that didn't make sense...I was stupid to think that God would speak to me...there is no possible way what I thought He said to me could really happen--just look at how bad things are!

But the Truth always wins. He confirms to me yet again that He is always at work for my good, that He is Truth and He cannot lie, and that I must have faith in what He has said to me. His word was true for Noah, for Abraham, for Moses, for Joshua, for Mary, for Zacharias, for Paul, and for countless others down through the ages...and His word is just as true for me today.

Luke 1:45  Blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord.

He led me to this scripture to confirm something to me yesterday--something very far-fetched that He spoke into my heart over a year ago. So despite how things look, despite how the enemy wants to discourage me, despite my failed attempts to make sense of it all, and despite my inability to work out in my mind how it could possibly come to pass, I will believe that He has told me the truth, and I will not lose faith. I will watch with an expectant heart as His plan unfolds.


Thank you, Lord that You speak to me the way You do. I don't know how I could ever make it in this life without hearing Your voice. Please help me to trust in Your word; help me to have faith until You bring it to pass in Your perfect timing. May it be to me as You have said. Amen.

Shattered

I didn't see any way out of the pit that May afternoon, standing under the cemetery tent, staring at the polished wood of the casket that contained my husband's body. The mother of four school-aged children, I wondered how I would make it. Where could I possibly go from there? I knew the Lord would help me through, but I was so shattered and broken that I couldn't imagine how I would ever get past the grief and utter devastation of it all. Hundreds of loved ones spoke words of peace and comfort to me in those days just following our tragedy, but even though I remember clearly that they were there for me, I can't tell you what they said.

Except in one specific case. Someone at the gravesite that day had come just for the sole purpose of delivering a message to me. I didn't know her well; she was merely an acquaintance who taught at my school. But what she said to me, I will never forget until the day I pass from this life. She said that the Lord wanted me to know something--that the greater the need, the greater the grace...the greater the tragedy, the greater the opportunity for God to show Himself as Almighty. In the very moment I heard those words, that message went straight into my heart. My memory of those days is cloudy, but I do know that that experience was a turning point for me, and from that moment on I resolved to trust Him, knowing that somehow, some way, He would pull me out of the deepest, darkest pit of despair I had ever known.

I could tell you so many stories (and maybe I will), but for now, suffice it to say that God has literally blown me away time and time again since that day in the cemetery almost two years ago. I have seen God's providential hand constantly at work in my life, orchestrating absolutely everything, even down to the tiniest detail. I have experienced such abundant blessing that sometimes I can hardly contain it. I never dreamed something so tragic as what happened to my children and me could lead to a joyful, victorious life with such an outpouring of agape from the precious Spirit of God. But that's God Almighty for you.

It was all so horrific and terrifying, and I couldn't see a way past any of it at first...but God. He is just so big, so strong, so mighty, so loving, and He desires good things for us. Not just good things, but things that are truly wonderful beyond our wildest imagination. That's my God. I thank Him every day for loving the wretched mess-that-was-me right out of despondency and back to living again, this time for Him. I thank God that He is healing me and binding up my broken heart. And I thank Him for taking what the enemy meant for evil and turning it into something beautiful. Only He can make a shattered person whole again.

Thank You, Jesus, for redeeming my life from destruction, thank You for the wonderful things we see You doing for us every day when we pay attention, and thank You that by Your stripes, we are healed.