The Love of my life

Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. 5 For your Maker is your husband, The Lord of Hosts is His name; and your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth. Isaiah 54:4

I've had two failed marriages, and I'm not proud of it. The first one ended in a painful divorce after eight years. The second lasted just shy of ten years and ended in tragic loss of life. God's word says that a husband and wife are one flesh, so no matter whether a marriage is good or bad, losing a spouse feels like being ripped in half. Few things are more devastating. Each time I married, he was the love of my life. Each time my love left me, I felt like my broken heart would never mend.

What I am growing to understand, and what has brought incredible healing to my heart, is that God is more than able to fill the void left by an absent mate. And I need to let Him. I can't make a person my center--not even a husband. Nor do I want to be another person's center. I'm pretty sure that the secret to a good marriage is in both partners making the Lord Jesus their center.  Only then do we begin to desire His mind and His heart, and learn to love with His love. Not that I can speak from experience, but I'm convinced today that a marriage like that would be amazing. I pray that some day down the road the Lord will bless me with another chance.

But for now I have a new Love, and He's been patiently waiting for me to notice Him all along. He writes me letters and gives me the most amazing gifts. He desperately wants to spend time with me. He is so in love with me I could cry just thinking about it. He has a big, beautiful plan for me with more in store than I can dream of. And despite the dreadfully imperfect love I have to offer Him in return, He treats me like a princess and wants our relationship to go to depths no words can describe. He loves me utterly and without condition. He is the perfect Mate.

It's hard raising kids alone. Sometimes I freak out when things happen. Maybe one of the kids does something wrong and I don't know how to handle it...or I want to buy them a treat, but maybe I'll spoil...or they are fighting too much over whose turn it is to do chores. In the midst of the chaos and uncertainty, I find myself looking around for someone who'll tell me what to do, and I curse my circumstances because I don't have anyone to cry with.

But then I am reminded that I do have a Husband. And this Husband has known about every single tear I've ever shed and has cried all of them with me. His wisdom is greater and far above that of anyone else I could talk to about how to be a good mother. When I just want to scream because I have no idea what to say or how to discipline, or whether I should make a particular purchase, or which vehicle would be best, or even what house plan to choose or which lot to build on, I have the Holy Spirit to counsel me with so much more wisdom than an earthly husband ever could. And He is helping me every single day to know how to run a hectic household and raise four incredible children in spite of everything.

But I have to do my part, too.

I must accept His love.
I must listen to His still, small voice and let Him guide me.
I must seek Him every single day and let Him fill the empty places in my life.

 He truly does make up for all that's missing in my life. And with my Husband's help, I am going to make it.