Waiting

Isaiah 30:18 Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; and therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him.

I do not like to wait. Woven throughout my earliest memories are my mother's repetitive pleas, "Amy, be patient!". I really have always hated situations that require my patience. This is because I'm selfish, and I want what I want, when I want it. Whether it involves waiting for my Internet browser page to load or assurance that I'm going to have a job next year, I've noticed that the more focused I am on self rather than the things of God, the less willing I am to wait.

But sometimes something really big happens. I simply do not have time to wait patiently for a move of God--and this time I really mean it! I cry out to Him, but His silence confounds me. I claim Isaiah 40:33 and beg for that renewed strength He promises we can have. But a new surge of strength is the last thing I feel during these times of turmoil, and peace is just as elusive. I pray as deeply as I know how, literally on my face before God--carpet wet and all--but still it seems He doesn't hear me. My circumstances loom large before me, overwhelming me and oppressing me. It's so easy to believe the enemy's lies during times like these that God has forgotten me, that He's forsaken me after all. It surely seems that way when I beg Him to do something and yet I see nothing happening. Exasperated, I cry out yet again and hurl my unanswered questions toward heaven...

  ...Why won't my house sell, Lord? I can't make these payments! Won't you please hurry up?

  ...Why does my dad have cancer? Haven't I lost enough already? Haven't my kids lost enough? How much am I supposed to take? When will you heal him?!

  ...Why is my friend pulling away? Didn't You create us all to need each other and to function together in unity as the body of Christ? Who am I supposed to talk to if You won't repair this  friendship?

  ...I'm in trouble, Lord, but You know the truth. You know what really happened! I'm terrified! Why won't you make the truth known to others and set me free?

  ...Dear God, I'm weary and broken, and I simply cannot take another step without Your help.

And in my season of waiting, He has brought me to a point where I can finally hear Him. He draws me near and speaks into my spirit and reminds me how much He loves me and that He's in control. He teaches me that His timing is more perfect than my timing, that He is sovereign and I am not. He has heard my every plea, He has held me as I've cried, He has loved me despite my repeated refusal to trust in Him. He helps me understand that He has been working things out for my good all along, even when I couldn't feel Him there. The end of a trial often brings incredible clarity and sheds light on the reasons why, and He honors me with a teeny little glimpse into His perfectly orchestrated plan. I can rest assured that He knows exactly what He is doing. And as I cling to this truth in the midst of trials and tragedy, His incredible peace engulfs me and I come to experience that renewed strength He promises us.

And then when God decides it's time to move, He usually does it so fast it makes my head spin. I've experienced this countless times. And you know what else? Without exception, I see in the end that He was making me wait so that He could be gracious to me. If things had happened in my timing, I would have missed blessing...and though I don't know how He does it, I find myself thanking Him that He didn't do things my way.

A long time ago my dad knew an elderly woman who used to say we should never pray for patience because if we do, the Lord will place circumstances in our lives to test us and teach us about that patience we prayed for. I don't know if this is true, but I do know that patience is a fruit of the Spirit, and it is a worthy thing to strive for. Father God, thank You for Your patience with me. Help me to trust as You accomplish Your purpose in me. Please forgive me for my unbelief, and thank You that You are a just and merciful God Whose perfect patience covers me in every area where I fall short.