Under the weather

It must've been the plane ride home. I don't know how I can go all school-year long being around hundreds of sniffling kids, handling their germy books every day and still not get sick, yet here in the middle of summer I'm sick as a dog. Summer colds ... they're the worst. Ugh.

So I don't really have the energy to write a fascinating blog post today. However, here in my bedroom/infirmary, in the midst of the tissue and orange juice, the Emergen-C and my futile attempts to come up with something good to write about, I've been thinking about the goodness of God ...

... about how He rescued me ... how He chose me ... how He loves me.

Like everyone, I've had bad things happen. But I lament those times when I didn't run to God ... those times when I instead tried to ease the pain with people or things. Today I view those times as wasted chances--missed opportunities that prolonged my quest for true Love and Fulfillment. I often wonder what might've been if I'd done differently. But it's all in the past and I just can't dwell there anymore. I must take those thoughts captive and walk toward what He has for me now.

Maybe you're not like me. Maybe you already get it. Maybe you already get Him. I pray so. But I keep asking myself why I didn't see it all before, and I wonder how many others are like me. He was always there ... He's always been the same ... He's always loved me this much. I just never paid attention. I was never open to seeing Him work in my life--at least not the way I am these days.

So if I had one wish for you, it would be that you'd run to Him now, no matter what's going on around you. I pray that it won't take something earth-shattering, something to bring you to your knees, to open your eyes to the awesome goodness of God. I pray your eyes are open now, so that you can see Him revealing Himself to you in ways you never imagined possible. I pray He astounds you with His comfort, His provision, His mercy, and His protection. I pray He astounds you the way He astounds me.

I also pray you don't get a summer cold. Take care. :)

Would I have the guts?

Two robbers walked into a 7-11 and pulled a gun on the clerk. They instructed her to give them all the money from the cash register. She said, "NO." One of them pointed a gun straight to her head and said, "If you don't give me all the money, I'll kill you." She looked at him straight in the eye and said "INSTANT DEATH, INSTANT GLORY." The two robbers took off running!

That woman was gutsy. I heard that this is a true story. I can't wait to go to Heaven, but I must admit that I'm apprehensive about what kind of pain I'll have to go through to get there. I heard a teaching yesterday on Hebrews 11 that prompted some much-needed self-examination.

Others were tortured, not accepting deliverance, that they might obtain a better resurrection. Heb. 11:35b

I also learned yesterday about an Iranian pastor who sitting in a prison cell this very moment because he refuses to renounce his Christian faith. His name is Youcef Nadarkhani, and he's been convicted of apostasy (leaving Islam for Christianity). His two sons were attending a local school when the government decided that all children should be taught about Islam, including those from Christian families. Nadarkhani objected, pointing out that the Iranian constitution allows for freedom to practice religion. They charged him with protesting, but later the charges against him were changed to apostasy and evangelism to Muslims. He refuses to convert back to Muslim and so has been sentenced to hang. Here are some words from the pastor himself:

What we are bearing today, is a difficult but not unbearable situation, because neither He has tested us more than our faith and our endurance, nor does He do as such ... we must consider these bumps and prisons as opportunities to testify to His name.

I am praying for this pastor. His story got me thinking about how I don't have to suffer in any way by choosing to live for Jesus. I gain everything, but I lose nothing. How would I react if I knew I would be stoned or tortured or imprisoned or murdered just because of my faith? What is the suffering of my life compared to the suffering of those enduring persecution? What is my fear compared to the fear of being tortured or murdered (or both) just for saying "I love Jesus"?

I hang my head in shame when I think about the times I've been embarrassed to read the Bible in public ... or the times I've been too ashamed to keep it out and open on my desk at work for fear others will think I'm a Jesus-freak. God, forgive me.

For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words, of him the Son of Man will be ashamed when He comes in His own glory, and in His Father's, and of the holy angels.  Luke 9:26

*You can read an article about the situation in Iran here. You can read a letter from Pastor Nadarkhani here.

This path is really narrow and REALLY obscure...

It takes guts to travel down a path when you can't see where it leads.

It's a scary thing to forge ahead when there are no guarantees that the way will be smooth and pleasant. Maybe you'll encounter treacherous twists and bends in the road. You might be led through deep, dangerous waters. Perhaps you'll face steep hills and dark valleys. You will certainly grow weary along the way. But what if you know that something wonderful is waiting for you in the end?

I studied Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken" (below) over twenty years ago as an English major. I was intrigued from the moment I first read the poem. The poet is noted as having warned,

"You have to be careful of that one; it's a tricky poem--very tricky."  

Frost never makes it clear whether or not he chose the better of the two roads. Instead, he closes the poem with a sigh and asserts that his chosen path has made "all the difference".

But what difference did it make? As a young college student, reading these closing lines moved me beyond intrigue to frustration. I wanted to know more! I wanted to know if he regretted his choice. I assumed so, perhaps because of his little sigh in the last stanza. But if he did have regrets, what had gone wrong? Even at that age, I guess I saw it as a good thing to try and learn from the mistakes of others.

Back then I was just a small-town college kid trying to figure life out. If I'd had more spiritual depth to me at the time, I might've gone to the word of God to see what He has said to us about choosing the right path . . .

Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.   

Matthew 7:13-14 NKJV

This morning my pastor taught on faith. He talked about Moses, and how he forsook wealth, power, and all that he was destined for as the adopted son of Pharaoh's daughter so that he could follow God's command and lead the Israelites out of Egypt. Moses couldn't see what lay ahead for his people on the path of obedience, but he trusted. And because he acted in faith, God used him mightily and delivered them from Egyptian bondage.

The broad way may have seemed easier at the time, but Moses resisted and took the narrow way, and God moved in awesome ways, performing some of the most amazing miracles in all the Bible.

The narrow path usually isn't all that appealing. Entry through the broad gate is much more alluring because we can see what's just ahead for us. Naturally, we are drawn to the path leading to happiness, and the enemy is always there coaxing us, tempting us, and prodding us along however he can so that we'll follow our passions and our fleshly desires. But all of it is only temporal, and eventually, the things we found enticing enough to chase after end up causing us untold misery and heartache. But by the time we realize that we've been deceived into choosing the wrong path, it's too late to turn back.

Moses wanted out of Egypt--and he found his way out by following the narrow path. As my pastor pointed out this morning, we are all looking for a way out of Egypt. This world is our Egypt, and the only way out is through the narrow gate.

Admittedly, this path is not an easy one to travel. But when I stumble, He picks me up and encourages me along. As I walk through the darkest valleys, He lights the way for me. When I pass through turbulent waters, He keeps me from sinking. When I walk through fire, He protects me. When it storms, I find a safe haven in His shelter. It's a hard road, but I don't have to be afraid.

I don't know about Robert Frost, but I do know that I don't regret my choice at all, not even for a second . . . because I know where this path leads.

. . . because I know that at the end of the road, He is there waiting to meet me and take me home. And for me, that makes all the difference.

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920.

Lawrance Thompson, ed. Selected Letters of Robert Frost. New York: Hold, Rinehart and Winston. p. xv.

New web design (and a request or two...)

Thanks to the amazing Design Diva, I have a new web design! She provided me many amazing options, but for reasons I discussed in my tree post, I had to go with the tree. I really do love trees! Let me know how you like it (leave me a comment!).

Toward the end of next month, I am going to attend the writers' track of a conference in North Carolina (She Speaks 2011), during which I will have the opportunity to meet with publishers and agents and learn more about polishing my book proposal.

I covet your prayers as I seek the Lord's direction in writing my book. There's so much I want to write about, and things are all swirly in my mind right now. I need the Lord to clear my thoughts and help me focus. I also desperately need His help in figuring out how to impress the socks off of potential publishers.

For now, I need to get as many "Likes" as possible on my Facebook page. It's also of great benefit to have an abundance of subscribers to my blog, whether through RSS or email. A good following on Twitter would be awesome, too, but my involvement there has been a little pathetic (I'm trying to do better and "tweet" more often).

If you could follow me by one or two or three or all four of the ways I've listed above, I'd be so grateful! Also, if you could pass this request along to your friends, it would be a huge help to me.

Thank you for reading my blog. I know my posts aren't always captivating, but they are definitely from the heart. Some of you already know this, but almost every time I post something here, I get nauseous. I wonder who will care what I have to say...what right do I have to discuss spiritual things in the public realm...you name it, it probably enters my mind. So thank you for the encouraging things you say to me about my writings. The Lord has given me a story to tell, and I'm going to tell it despite the obstacles.

So...I'll be seeing you either here, on Facebook, on Twitter, through email, or in your RSS feed reader. Thank you again! And since I'm in the habit of doing so, I'll leave you with a scripture--one that has been on my heart for some reason these past few days. It doesn't really relate to this post...

or does it? ....

Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Psalm 73:25-26 NKJV

He rescued me

A timely and amazing message I heard this weekend on faith got me to thinking about how big God really is. I've been thinking about all the incredible miracles He has performed down through the ages. I have some favorites...

• the story of Noah and his obedience when God warned him to build the ark
• the way God distracted Abraham with the ram and saved Isaac from being sacrificed 
• how God parted the Red Sea to provide an escape for the Israelites
• the way God protected Daniel from being devoured by a den of lions
• the way the Lord Himself appeared in the furnace along with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and then brought them out of the fire unscathed

There are so many amazing stories of  how He was so faithful to rescue these godly men of the Bible. And He rescues me, too.

A memory stands out in my mind of a time when I faced a furnace of my own---a time when I was the most terrified I've ever been. I'd been strongly advised to agree to a polygraph exam ordered by the district attorney's office to prove my innocence in my husband's death investigation. I knew I was in danger because I was the only human on earth who knew what had really happened. I begged God to reveal the truth, as did many others on my behalf. If I were to fail the exam, the things that could've happened to me and to my kids are too horrible to even speak of.

I have never so desperately needed the Lord God Almighty to come to my rescue. I needed to be calm. I needed to not crumble. I needed to put my grief aside and focus. The horror of what had occurred only days before was clouding my thoughts and my memories, yet I was being asked to describe what happened with the utmost accuracy and detail. I begged for His help.

The weekend before my big day in the furnace, I was at my aunt's house. I was scared and agitated. All I could do was pace the floor. Alone in the house, I walked into her dining room where she has a big, old family Bible sitting by the window. The Lord beckoned me over to that Bible, and my eyes went immediately to a scripture it was already opened to:

Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know. Jeremiah 33:3.

As soon as I read this, I knew the Lord was speaking to me. He was asking me to trust Him.

The next day I heard my pastor preach on the story of the fiery furnace from Daniel 3. I could relate those men, to the fear they must have experienced as they faced a fire hot enough to kill the guards who stood at the furnace door. Even though my furnace was totally different than theirs, I desperately sought to take their example of faith and apply it to my own situation. I had to believe that God would rescue me in the same way He rescued them.

I was reminded that the God of this age is the very same God that performed all those miracles so long ago. The One Who parted the Red Sea was the same God Who would be going into my furnace with me. God is God. He is all-powerful, and what a comfort it was to know that I was in His very capable hands---the same hands that have rescued so many others in dilemmas far more dire than mine.

As the day approached, I almost felt that I would visually perceive the Lord's physical presence in that scary room with me, the way Nebuchudnezzar saw Him in the fire with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

It's interesting, what happened during that exam. It lasted about three times longer than my attorney expected, which caused some concern among those waiting to hear the results. I didn't actually see Jesus in the room like I thought I might. I didn't even experience Holy Ghost bumps like I usually do in His presence. I'm sure I got the events all jumbled up as I told my story and answered the examiner's questions. I felt very confused and must have seemed unclear about many of the details.

But God.

He rescued me that day. Maybe I couldn't see actually see Him or feel Him, but I know He was there. There were about 400 prayer warriors taking me to the Throne of Grace leading up to and throughout that afternoon. We'd prayed for a genuine truth-seeker to administer the exam. We prayed the Holy Spirit would calm my nerves and control my mouth and bring the forth the facts---that in that very hour He would teach me what to say---and that out of this furnace would come the revelation of the genuine truth, once and for all. This was all that needed to happen for the investigation to be over, and it turns out it was no big deal for my miracle-working God.

I've never been so thankful and relieved in my entire life as I was when I received the news I passed. Days later when I got the written report back, I read it with amazement. The details were recounted accurately and in sequence. Despite all my confusion and clouded memory, and despite the fact that I couldn't even remember all that I'd said during the exam, that polygraph examiner heard only what was true.

And that is the story of how God rescued me from the furnace. It's also how Psalm 40:1-3 became my life's testimony:

I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth--praise to our God; many will see it and fear, and will trust in the Lord.

Sadly, even though God has proven His faithfulness to me time and time again, I'm still faithless at times. Lord, forgive me for my unbelief. With You, nothing is impossible. With You, I know I will always be rescued. Help me to remember all the things You've already done for me instead of dwelling on the things You haven't done yet. I know that Your timing is perfect. I thank you in faith today that You are working it all out.

Running

Isaiah 40:29 He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases their strength.  30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall,  31 but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

I've always been terrible at sports, but I was thinking this weekend that I have sure done a lot of running.  I've run toward many things...I've run toward different goals of a certain salary, a specific weight, or an additional degree. I've run toward places in hopes of finding peace or contentment or escape. I've run to people, hoping that they would know what to say or do or prescribe to help me solve life's problems. I've even run to the mall in pursuit of gratification through material gain. So although I dislike running in the physical sense, I am thinking today about just how much running I've done over the course of my life.

I ran my first ever 5K yesterday. I didn't really train for it the way I should have, due a little bit to illness and a lot to lack of self-discipline. But yesterday morning as I was getting ready to run, I started regretting not preparing better; I started to really wish I could run the entire race.

I decided I would start out jogging and just see how far I could get before I had to slow to a walk. But the farther into it I got, the more I started hoping I could just keep running to the finish line.  One of my new favorite Gateway Worship songs, "Running" was playing on my iPod, and it occurred to me to just ask the Lord if He would help me be able to do it. But I had some fears. I was afraid I would have a heart palpitation. I was afraid my legs would give out, or that I would have a coughing fit. I was afraid I looked silly and amateurish trying to run in the midst of so many more experienced runners who had come well prepared for this race. But I kept going.

As I ran, I began to consider that this race I was running is much like my life. I experience fear and discouragement every day. I'm not in the same place as other people like me, and I haven't a clue how or when or if I'll ever get there. I seldom ever feel like I'll be able to keep going in life, and I grow weary trying.

But as I ran my race yesterday, new strength rose up in me---a strength I didn't expect. The further I ran, the more hopeful I grew that I might just be able to finish after all. Then it occurred to me that this is exactly the way the Lord encourages me to go on and live my life. I was overwhelmed as I began to reflect on the way He strengthens me enough to keep me running right on through the wind and the rain and all the other obstacles if only I'm willing to step out in faith and just run.

I finished my race having run all five kilometers. I didn't expect that I would be able to, but the Lord gave me the grace to accomplish this feat in spite of my fears, my lack of preparation, and my unbelief that I could do it. He does this for me in the scheme of my life every day.

Today I am aching so badly that my sore muscles won't even allow me to go up the stairs. I liken this to the way life beats me up sometimes. I run the race, and even though He helps me clear the hurdles and conquer the snags, I am often left feeling beaten up and in pain. But if I let Him push me, running the race of life makes me stronger. When I let Him help me overcome the roadblocks, I am energized to not only keep going, but to run more passionately than ever toward the finish line. How can I not when I know Who is waiting there? And like the people along the sidelines yesterday, He cheers me on right up to the end.

My girls and me

Waiting

Isaiah 30:18 Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; and therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him.

I do not like to wait. Woven throughout my earliest memories are my mother's repetitive pleas, "Amy, be patient!". I really have always hated situations that require my patience. This is because I'm selfish, and I want what I want, when I want it. Whether it involves waiting for my Internet browser page to load or assurance that I'm going to have a job next year, I've noticed that the more focused I am on self rather than the things of God, the less willing I am to wait.

But sometimes something really big happens. I simply do not have time to wait patiently for a move of God--and this time I really mean it! I cry out to Him, but His silence confounds me. I claim Isaiah 40:33 and beg for that renewed strength He promises we can have. But a new surge of strength is the last thing I feel during these times of turmoil, and peace is just as elusive. I pray as deeply as I know how, literally on my face before God--carpet wet and all--but still it seems He doesn't hear me. My circumstances loom large before me, overwhelming me and oppressing me. It's so easy to believe the enemy's lies during times like these that God has forgotten me, that He's forsaken me after all. It surely seems that way when I beg Him to do something and yet I see nothing happening. Exasperated, I cry out yet again and hurl my unanswered questions toward heaven...

  ...Why won't my house sell, Lord? I can't make these payments! Won't you please hurry up?

  ...Why does my dad have cancer? Haven't I lost enough already? Haven't my kids lost enough? How much am I supposed to take? When will you heal him?!

  ...Why is my friend pulling away? Didn't You create us all to need each other and to function together in unity as the body of Christ? Who am I supposed to talk to if You won't repair this  friendship?

  ...I'm in trouble, Lord, but You know the truth. You know what really happened! I'm terrified! Why won't you make the truth known to others and set me free?

  ...Dear God, I'm weary and broken, and I simply cannot take another step without Your help.

And in my season of waiting, He has brought me to a point where I can finally hear Him. He draws me near and speaks into my spirit and reminds me how much He loves me and that He's in control. He teaches me that His timing is more perfect than my timing, that He is sovereign and I am not. He has heard my every plea, He has held me as I've cried, He has loved me despite my repeated refusal to trust in Him. He helps me understand that He has been working things out for my good all along, even when I couldn't feel Him there. The end of a trial often brings incredible clarity and sheds light on the reasons why, and He honors me with a teeny little glimpse into His perfectly orchestrated plan. I can rest assured that He knows exactly what He is doing. And as I cling to this truth in the midst of trials and tragedy, His incredible peace engulfs me and I come to experience that renewed strength He promises us.

And then when God decides it's time to move, He usually does it so fast it makes my head spin. I've experienced this countless times. And you know what else? Without exception, I see in the end that He was making me wait so that He could be gracious to me. If things had happened in my timing, I would have missed blessing...and though I don't know how He does it, I find myself thanking Him that He didn't do things my way.

A long time ago my dad knew an elderly woman who used to say we should never pray for patience because if we do, the Lord will place circumstances in our lives to test us and teach us about that patience we prayed for. I don't know if this is true, but I do know that patience is a fruit of the Spirit, and it is a worthy thing to strive for. Father God, thank You for Your patience with me. Help me to trust as You accomplish Your purpose in me. Please forgive me for my unbelief, and thank You that You are a just and merciful God Whose perfect patience covers me in every area where I fall short.

Why Mary?

 Jesus of Nazareth. ITC Entertainment. 1977

Mary is my role model.

I can't wait to meet Mary, the mother of Jesus. What an amazing girl, and I aspire to be just like her. Don't you know she was afraid? Can you imagine an angel visiting you and giving you the kind of news she got that day? The older I get, the more astounding I find the whole miraculous scenario. Her response? "Then Mary said, 'Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word'" (Luke 1:38).

So Mary heard a supernatural foretelling of something that was to happen inside her own body--something that would certainly make her look like a sinner--yet she loved her God enough to trust and believe and serve and submit. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have taken on that attitude, but I want to be like Mary.

And then there was Mary Magdalene. A sinner forgiven, she had a truly faithful heart. She accepted His grace. She followed Him. She ministered to Him. She stayed through His torture, His death, His burial...and she was there just after His resurrection, brokenhearted to think that the body of her Saviour had been stolen. Jesus was Mary's Everything. He was her Center. I picture her constantly at His feet, seeking His mind and His heart, wanting more of Him always.


Oh, Lord, may I be a Mary Magdalene. Help me to love you more. Help me to know you as the one and only Love of My Life. Heaven knows I can't depend on me because my flesh fails me every day. My family and friends will fail me, too, because they are human. But Your love never, ever has failed me, and I know it never will. I want to know You more deeply. Just as Mary so lovingly anointed You at Bethany, I desperately want to love You that extravagantly, for Your love for me has certainly been extravagant. Thank You for the way You love so sacrificially. May I learn to love with Your love. Please help me as I run to You, as I seek You every day.


Lord, make me a Mary.